I want frozen yogurt

I want to get in my car and drive over to the nearest store and chow down. I want to not worry about anything for the time that it takes to eat that. Yes, I am an emotional eater, why do you ask?

This was from yesterday. I started writing, deleting, writing and finally left the page with nothing published, but this was saved in the draft area. I have this internal censor which yells at me when I complain, or try to. You shouldn’t complain or grumble because of your life. How can you?? You have it good, and these “down periods” are just ridiculous. You need to get over yourself, see your blessings and move on.” And then I sit in the same spot, feeling the same way, wishing I could reach out to someone but “knowing” they will think the same thing my censor does.

Lately I have been thinking of all the things I will never be. You see, when we make choices it reduces your possibilities to an extent. I will never be the mother of a large family. I will never be a Charlotte Mason homeschooler. I will never raise my children to speak spanish and sign along with english. I will never go gray naturally. I will never have a career. I will never… the list goes on. Sometimes my mind tries to slip things in that could still change, but I am wary to that.

A few days ago I was invited into a situation that is iffy. The censor said, “The better woman would go because that’s what is right.” The meek and timid me said, “I really don’t want any confrontation.” Then I started thinking about the situation and realized that it might not be best for everyone if I went. I am afraid it would turn into something it shouldn’t be. It wouldn’t be ugly, or nasty, or mean, or angry. But it should be a wonderful warm time for friends being with their friends before they move. And I am afraid I would make it not that. Not that I have that much power (there goes that censor) but just the circumstances of it all.

I would be silly to say that every moment in my life is good and carefree. We all have moments which test us and try us because that’s how we grow and mature. I’m scared that I will make a mistake and do the wrong thing, but if I do nothing out of fear then I am making a mistake. How much does motive matter? I don’t know. I hope it counts for something, because then it helps balance out the mistakes I will make.

Yogurt doesn’t make anything go away, it doesn’t make anything resolve itself, and it doesn’t make me feel any better in the long run. I know better than choosing something temporary to help me out. I should only turn to God and let Him refresh me. Thankfully I was able to quiet the censor long enough to listen to God and He reminded me:

He is my strength. He is my resolve. He is my strong tower. He is my Father. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He will be my guide and light my path.

Reading

I have been really blessed to find something I had lost recently, and this is my reading time. I had been sludging my way through books, and here as we wrap up the year it seems they have been falling in my lap and tearing through my fingers as if I don’t have a moment to lose. I am so enjoying it!

In the past two weeks we hit two different libraries, and would have hit three had it not been closed on Mondays. Imagine me pouting right here because this is the new library within walking/biking distance, but Monday is our library day. Yes, I am aware I should be living in a flexible schedule.

As I was saying, at those two libraries I picked up 6 books, and 4 of them were delicious. One was tasty, but the after taste left a bit to be desired, and the last one was just not what I was craving. Let me tell you quickly about the four books that were yummy.

• Makeover: Revitalizing the Many Roles You Fill by Jen Hatmaker
  This is really a six-week study, but since I was on my own I simply read through it. I really enjoyed it and think it was more along the lines of what I was looking for when I picked up Frazzled Female, though they both have their good points. Jen is really a great writer, and makes you feel as if you are sitting down with a long time girlfriend learning about God together. She doesn’t claim to know it all, but you better have your Bible next to you as you go through this!
• Splitting Harriet by Tamara Leigh
  This is a fictional account of the prodigal daughter returned and become the Women’s Minister. I loved this book because it reminded me that God’s grace is what I know it to be, but I haven’t really been walking it out very well.  I am a “James” girl, after all. So is Harriet, so I could understand right where she was coming from.
• Jumping through Fires by David Nasser
  I picked this book up because I was intrigued to know what someone from another culture, religion, and community thought about the church. As I read it I saw pictures again of people living in grace. Not getting it right all the time, but moving forward and trusting God. David’s story is quite extraordinary, and I might be picking up a few of his other books soon.
• Silver Birches by Adrian Plass
  I had no idea what to think about this book, but on the back it said, “As they have less than forty-eight hours with each other, they decide to be vulnerable and share their greatest fears.” I have issues being vulnerable with people, so of course this drew me in. The one quote I loved from the book is, “…[they] recycle personal tragedy then offer it up as ministry — done it myself. Not any more. If I’m going to carry on I want to preach Christ crucified, not me having a tough time.” And then his explanation of pearls before swine was amazing. He gave balance to the quote bu showing that God does use what we go through. Truly made me think about who I am and what I am doing with that.

These are the four books that I just recently finished that I wanted to share about. I’m starting a Max Lucado one now, which we have owned forever, but I am for the first time picking up, When God Whispers Your Name. I’m expecting great things to come, but if you don’t see it pop up in my list you will understand why.

Monday Monday

project of the week, new locks. New project to come, paint.